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post #2 of (permalink) Old 08-17-10, 12:42 PM
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Location: Georgia, USA
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First off, welcome to Heresy Online! It's always good to have more people in the FanFic forums.

Now, to the story. Interesting... very interesting. Having a hapless mechanic torn in half is always a bit of a fun thing to do in writing. It's an intriguiing way to start a work, and I'd be interested in seeing more.

Regarding style (since you asked for criticisms): there are a few places where you have unnecessary repetition.
lack of workmanship in the cheaper models, older models cannibalised
The wording here is confusing, are they cheaper and older models or are you meaning to say 'cheaper models, as the older ones had been cannibalised?'

With regards to the structure, the piece does both well enough. Your sentence structure is varied so that the reader doesn't have to put up with the noun-verb-object, noun-verb-object repetitiveness that is oh-so boring. You varied the build and lengths of the narrative to keep it, for lack of a better word, 'fresh.'

Flow I honestly can't give you thumbs-up or thumbs-down. This segment flows well, however since this is chapter 2 I have no idea as to how it fits into both your overall idea and plot.

Lastly, something that I noticed (and something I often mess up) are unneeded descriptions. While giving the reader a way to envision the surroundings, some things are just counter productive to plot advancement or character development.
The captain turned away, focusing his attention on one of the display screens behind him. The screen displayed the swirling fireball ahead of his ship. Sensors on the bow of the ship discerned everything about the star. The various colours denoted elemental compounds, electro-magnetic activity read as it swirled and washed over the de-magnetized hull.
Granted, the importance of these facts may be explained elsewhere, but just with this extract it just begs the question, 'So...?' How is what this monitor does and look like important to your story? How does it advance the plot or give hints as to aspects of Cado?

Hopefully this will be helpful for you, and I'd strongly recommend posting more, since feedback the whole is much more productive than feedback on a part

Keep writing!


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

Originally Posted by spanner94ezekiel View Post
3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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