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post #2 of (permalink) Old 01-02-10, 09:12 PM
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toffster's Flag is: United Kingdom
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mmm, stick too your native language.
Or learn to master english. Keep it up though, once you have it mastered it you could edit this and really turn it around.
When you translate phrases into or out of english words sometimes change order.
Naturally you have some words the other way round. Before progressing with the story i would recommend you learn to get the order of those phrases the right way round.

"As he walked closer, he could see her facial features in more details" remove the s from details.
Also don't do a dash - for speech, do "Hello, my name is Samir_Duran." Also keep the he/she said on the same line as the speech.

MAJOR PROBLEM HERE: "The word frack wasn't nothing new for him, he heard other guardsmen from Cyrils' contigent swear like that." It should be: "The word frack wasn't anything new too him..." edit it around and fix this up and i beleive that is a good prologue

Keep it up!

"To the darkness I bring fire, to the ignorant I bring faith. Those who welcome these gifts may live, but I shall vist naught but death and eternal damnation on those who refuse them"
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