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post #10 of (permalink) Old 06-01-09, 01:03 AM
Shogun_Nate
Boondock Shogun
 
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Howdy bud!

Overall you have a good story here. There are some bits and bobs that need tidying up a bit but it's not too much. Some of it comes with grammatical errors here and there. I do the same thing when I'm writing too but I think you need to read through it a couple times and then give it a spelling/grammar check. It also wouldn't hurt to expand on your descriptiveness. Give us an idea of the surroundings in detail(just not minute..we really don't need to know how many crickets are drowning in water run off but you get my drift) so we know where they're starting off.

The rain poured down onto the figures standing at the window of the ruined building. Droplets pattered off their jet black armour and slid down their sodden blue cloaks. The first figure turned as the sound of hurrying footsteps were heard behind him, the hood to his cloak slipping down to reveal a glimpse of his rugged features, a smile forming on his lips. The new arrival approaching ground to a halt and saluted his fellow astarte with an aquila formed from his hands.

"The rain came pouring down in heavy sheets fom the bleak skies above, blanketing the armored figures as they stood before the bombed out window of a ruined two-story bakery((simple descriptions of the building work great)). Droplets pattered off their jet black armor, sliding down the sodden blue cloaks worn by both warriors. Streams of run-off meandered their way down the crater-marked cobblestone streets of <insert city>, looking like miniature rivers rolling through the canyons of some ancient stony desert. Bits and pieces of detritus caught in the currents floated leisurely down the sloping embankment, pulled onward by the constant flows resulting from the neverending barrage of rain. The sound of thunder rumbled across the grey, cloud-filled skies as the sun strived in vain to pierce the gloomy veil holding it at bay.

The sound of hurried footsteps caught the attention of the first. As he turned to greet the newcomer, his cloak slid back; allowing a glimpse at his rugged features ((Here you could insert a little more description about him...scars, partrician features, hook nose, flat nose, blue eyes etc)). A smile formed on his lips as the newcomer ground to halt, splaying his hands wide to form the symbol of the aquila in salute to his fellow brother astartes."

Not perfect but a quick and dirty change. Descriptive writing makes a story a lot better as it helps fill in stuff as one reads the story in their minds.

“What news from the forward lines sergeant?” the figure questioned “ have we engaged yet?”

The astarte met his gaze, “ the enemies forward scouts have been encountered and defeated as foreseen captain but the main force has not been sited yet”, he hesitated “ the captain wished to know if 10th company should move to the next engagement post ahead of schedule.


Something I've noticed about your dialogue. It's more of a grammatical thing than anything. Looking at the above, it should look more like this:

"What news from the forward lines sergeant?" the figure questioned.(I'd actually just change it to 'asked'..there's nothing wrong with using simpler words as opposed to longer-winded ones) "Have we engaged yet?"

The astarte met his gaze. "The enemy's(changed to possessive here) forward scouts have been encountered and defeated as forseen Captain.(end the sentence here to keep it from getting it overly long) However, the main force has not been sighted yet."

He hesitated. "The Captain wishes to know if 10th company should move to the next engagement post ahead of schedule."


When you break up a line of dialogue, make sure you know where one part ends and another begins. Say your sentence is: "Tom is lying" Bart said. "You can tell because his lips are moving." Here you have two pieces of dialogue broken up with 'Bart said'. Each piece is a seperate piece in its own right. You can also have lines like this: "When it comes to messing something up", Tom smiled at his companions, "no one does it better than us." Here it's one line of dialogue with a little extra bit interjected into it. It doesn't interrupt the flow of the sentence like the first example.

All in all it's good work. Like I said above, I'd recommend you run it through a spell/grammar check and then read over it. I know I miss certain grammatical/spelling errors myself. It took me forever to learn to properly spell assault and missle LOL! Keep up the good work bud!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.

Last edited by Shogun_Nate; 06-01-09 at 01:15 AM.
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