Chapta' 4 - Testin', one, two, free
Aboard the Thousand Sons cruiser, Magic Pwns, all was NOT well. And not just because the beer ran out.
You see, Rakul Manek, though a sorcerer, sometimes shows the rage of berzerkers. Like now.
“So, can any of you tell me, how exactly we LOST OVER ONE HUNDRED RUBRIC MARINES, ON SOME STUPID BACKWATER WORLD?!?!?!?!”
His twenty aspiring sorcerers were more than scared right now. They still remembered Gugulash's punishment... 24 hours Levan Polkka... the horror. The poor sorcerer promised to not even get irritated by non-Tzeentch daemons.
The scream made the moon the fleet was hiding behind shake a bit.
“I-it was not our fault.”
“Oh? And how was it NOT your fault, Kran?”
“It was the Eldar. They set up ambushes all over the planet's jungles. They knew we were coming.”
“That is no excuse!”
“We were caught off guard, sir. And you know how slow to react rubric's are...”
Rakul had to admit that. Without sorcerers, they were kinda stupid.
“Fine. But we still lost one hundred.”
“Why does it matter?”
“I mean, they just reform back on the Planet of sorcerers, so why... Uggghhhhh!!!”
Rakul held Kran's neck. He then threw him into a wall.
“It matters, Kran, because the more that have to reform, the more my superiors will think of me as a failure. And I won't get termie armour in that case. Which would make me VERY mad.”
“I understand, sir.”
“Good. Did you encounter any other enemies?”
All the sorcerer's in the room looked at Akitol. He stood up.
“Y-yes. My unit met orks.”
“Yes, I knew of... wait, you got your arse kicked by ORKS?!”
“Let me explain!”
“You have one chance.”Akitol told his master everything. About his group's triumph over the Eldar ambush, (There was at least a hundred, but we pulled though.) the interrogation of the three survivors, (I gave one an extra arm, but he still wouldn't talk!) and the surprising ork ambush (A whole warband, at least! And they had a huge black beast with them!).
“Is that all, Akitol?”
“No, sir. The orks didn't even touch the Eldar.”
This truly surprised Rakul. What kind of orks DON'T kill everything in sight? Could this warband become allies with the Eldar? If so, Rakul has one more problem.
“And the warboss?”
“Yes. The biggest ork I have ever seen. Even I could only barely hold him off. He then got mad and I was forced to flee.”
Rakul tapped into Akitol's mind. The sorcerer was thinking of his fight with the ork. Truly a beast. He didn't need to see more.
The sorcerer's were surprised, but they all left. For their own safety.
Rakul was in his personal quarters. He repeated the words that would summon one of his most trusted agents from the warp. When the incantation was complete, the room was filled with red light. The figure could then be seen in its full glory.
“You have summoned me, master?”
“Yes, Nebulon. You are the only daemon I can give such a task.”
“What is it that you need?”
Rakul motioned with his hand. The image he had taken from Akitol's head appeared. The ork warboss.
“I want this ork. Dead.”
“Excellent. Orks are my favourite.”
“They fight in melee, they are strong. And their blood-lust is almost like mine.”
Nebulon came closer to his master. The daemon's two horns had an almost golden colour. The rest of his humanoid body, however, was black, with red fur on his back. His giant battle axe had drunk uncountable souls. He was much more than a simple Bloodletter.
“Master? May I ask something?”
“Why do you not summon Tzeentch daemons to do your work?”
“Heheh. You see... they are too unpredictable. Tzeentch may be the master of change, but he overdoes it, most of the time. Besides, it's not like any of the three 'big boys' or even the 'girl' give a damn.”
“You got a point there. But, why me?”
“Because daemons of Khorne are the best at bloodshed. But you also have more IQ than a slug.”
“To think I have been shunned for that... no matter. I will bring you the ork on a 'pointy stik' by tomorrow.”
“Excellent. Now go. And take some... backup. The more chaos, the better.”
Nebulon left, grinning. Rakul knew how to motivate his servants. Either with a whip, or the promise of fun. And Nebulon had all the fun.
Now... all he needs is a Daemonette.
“Are we'z dere, yet?”
“For da fifteenf time, boss. NO!!”
“Okay, flashgit Gobroz.”
The group made its way through the jungle, avoiding open spaces. Altian and Gobroz talked about general things, Lokan just walked with Ugu, Nagosh kept asking that question and Kilina and Muskit were still arguing.
Altian just had to ask:
“Why... do you follow a warboss like Nagosh?”
“Well... he iz da biggest.”
“Not just because of things like that. I mean, if what you say about him is true, you could just run away. He wouldn't know.”
“Dat's da fing 'bout ya Eldarz and humiez.”
“Ya alwayz thinkin' 'bout bein' sumwhere where it's betta'. We orks don't care. We'z just live. Plus, I likes da boss. He can be stupid like a squig, but also smart like a grot. And he wants da best for our warband. Even if da best doesn't happen.”
“I see. You orks are perhaps wiser than even we.”
“Well... I know dese fings. Da otha' boyz don't care. Most just care 'bout fightin'. Or how ta get grog.”
“Sometimes, the simple thoughts are better. We are almost there. When I raise my hand, stop and don't move.”
Gobroz looked at Nagosh, who nodded. Nahosh nudged Muskit and told him to shut up.
They walked for another fifteen minutes, when Altian raised his hand. The whole group froze. From the woods around them, the sound of rifles getting ready to shoot came. Gobroz was a bit scared.
From the jungle came a tall figure. He wore green armour with white lines on it. On his helmet was a single, red gem. He spoke:
“Altian... what is the meaning of this?”
“Warlock Ash'nu! We can explain!”
As Eldar rangers appeared from the jungle, Altian told their tale. The unsuccessful ambush, the chaos questioning and the unexpected rescuers. Ash'nu listened carefully. When Altian finished, the warlock showed amusement.
“And you now ant me to heal an ORK?! Preposterous!”
“But they saved us!”
“Perhaps. But they are still barbarians and I will no...”
“Ya know, ya Eldarz fink you'z so smart.” the owner of the voice was Nagosh.
“I darez, cuz any ork cud kick yo arse. Humiez are betta' at fightin'. 'Least dey don't have tanks dat break when ya sneeze.”
“Are you mocking us, ork?”
“Not all of ya. Altian and da two are fine. It's da rest dat makes me sick.”
“What do you want?!”
“I'z want a way ta make ya see us like more dan barboriuns.”
Ash'nu was interested.
“Fine, ork. Three tests. You pass all three, you gain my respect. You fail even one, we kill you.”
Altian wanted to protest, but Nagosh gave him an 'It's okay.' look. The hawk hoped the warboss knew what he was doing.
“Fine. Your first test will be a test of strength.”
Gobroz, Muskit and Ugu looked at Nagosh.
“Yeh, bring it.”
Ash'nu motioned with his hands. A group of three wraithguards showed up, with no weapons. Gobroz knew what those were.
“Dose fings are wraithguarderz! Dey'z tough.”
“Good. More fun.”
Altian, Lokan and Kilina were outraged. Ash'nu and the other Eldar were amused. Gobroz and Muskit were scared. Ugu closed his eyes. And Nagosh?
Nagosh felt like smashin'.
The wraithguards advanced as one. Nagosh caught one by the arm and used him as an improvised club.
He hit the second wraithguard on the head. The force of the blow made it burry into the earth, with only the head above-ground.
The third guard received a thrown 'club' as a present.
Three Eldar, two orks and a squig cheered. One ork made a victory pose. Ash'nu was furious. Other Eldar had mixed feelings of surprise and... respect.
Nagosh was eager to continue.
“Oy! Wot's da next testin'? Dis is lotsa fun!”
Ash'nu triumphantly said:
“A test of mind.”
Nagosh frowned, then looked at Gobroz.
“On it, boss.”
Gobroz came closer to the warlock.
“I will ask you five questions that were prepared by my brethren. Answer all of them.”
“Good. First question. What is the Eye of Terror?”
“Da place were all da chaos boyz come from. It'z all red and swirly.”
Ash'nu looked at the 'jury', which sat behind a long white table was made out of female Eldar. All five nodded.
“Good answer. Question number two. Who are the Necrons?”
“Dose are da metal skeletony boyz, right? Da ones wif da green gunz.”
The jury again nodded.
“Correct,” irritation was in the warlock's voice, “third. Who was Indrick Boreale?”
“Heheheh. Dat humie wuz a SPESS MAHREEN leada' and forcey commanda'. He fought for TEH EMPRAH.”
The jury laughed, then nodded.
“Not bad, ork. Four. Wha... wait!! Who wrote this?!?!?!”
“Fine. Easy one. What is an ork's favourite activity?”
“Easy. Fightin'. Or drinkin'. Or smashin', stompin'...”
“We get it! Fifth and final question. Heheh. How does a D/cannon function?”
Ash'nu smelled victory. Gobroz took a deep breath... and started.
Started a nearly one hour long lecture, in which he told about every aspect of a D-cannon. Parts, function, HOW it functions as well as some other bits, like effect on targets.
The jury was so astonished that it automatically nodded.
Ash'nu was furious, again. Nagosh and Muskit retrieved their jaws form the ground.
Gobroz returned to his group. Nagosh had to ask:
“Where'd ya learn dat, flashgit Gobroz?!”
“I likes readin'. Found a book unda' mek's stuff.”
All of them looked at Ash'nu.
“The final test... is a test... of CUTENESS!!!!”
“Ya totally pulled dat out of yer arse.”
“I do not care. Show me something cute of orkoid origin and I will bow before you!”
Kilina nudged Muskit and they both looked at Ugu. The slugga boy lifted the little black squig and showed it to Ash'nu.
“Dis! Little Ugu!”
“This?! You have got to be...”
“Look at that little thingie!”
Ash'nu turned to see the ex-jury and many more howling banshees and whatnot.
“Yeah! It's SO CUTE!!!”
The group of nearly thirty Eldar '(fan)girls' swarmed Muskit. They threw the ork out of the way and started squeezing Ugu.
Most of the other Eldar sweat dropped. One guardian said:
“Lucky black... ball.”
Ash'nu was left speechless. Nagosh came closer to him.
“I'z think we passed da testin'. Now, will ya fix dis? Oh, don't forget ta bow.”
Nagosh enjoyed every moment of the bow.
Here are quotes, gathered by imperial scholars or any other people. Or Xenos, whatever. They contain the words of many famous or not as famous characters in the galaxy.
“Dey'z retreatin'! But why'z dey retreatin' towardz us?” - slugga boy Muskit
“Don't ask Eldarz questuns. Ya won't unda'stand da answerz.” - warboss Nagosh Ubzug
“If we'z made for fightin' and winnin', why do we'z have morale?” - flashgit Gobroz
“Enemies of the Imperium! Can you shout a bit louder? We can't hear you from up here!” - imperial Warhound titan pilot Akim
“Hmmm... did dis boy have three armz before?” - dok Grimog
“Mutations, mutations! That's all the idiots want! I need a vacation.” - Tzeentch himself
“That's nine executions for today. No one laughs at my hat.” - commissar Anon Ymous' secret logs
“*Roar*” - Ugu, the cute little black squig