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post #2 of (permalink) Old 02-07-18, 05:01 PM
darkreever
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Alright, I've rewritten certain bits so its an easier read as I go through sections:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
they believe that the Red Thirst is a gift from Sanguinius
You are aware that the Red Thirst is insane bloodlust, resulting in them abandoning sense, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
they focus on lightning raids, assaulting enemy positions or command structure with such feed and ferocity that no defense can be mounted.
This is honestly the MO of almost every chapter. Some chapters may also be known for the use of armoured units, but all chapters lack the numbers for prolonged engagements, and so favour lightning/critical strikes to wipe out command elements.

Its one thing for them to excel at this, but how?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
yet despite this they value the lives of civilians and to cause suffering to civilian populations they defend is amongst the chapters highest crimes.
I get that there will be times when they cannot perform lightning assaults, but there should be extremely few times when they are enacting defensive actions. So this seems rather out of place, given their combat doctrine; you'd think that if they found themselves in a defensive situation where civilians might be involved that they would choose to take the fight to the enemy while the civilians fled.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
The New Dawn Chapter utilizes more assault marines than any other chapter, even their armour is modified for speed and exceptionally aggressive attack doctrine.
Their greater use of assault marines more or less goes without saying, as the sons of Sanguinius are all known to prefer close quarters fighting and many can field larger numbers of jump pack armed squads than most standard codex chapters.

How is their armour modified?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
Homeworld: Istraughtium IV - A desert death world located in the eastern fringe. Settled by humanity after dicovering rich mineral deposits. At some point records of the world were lost and the inhabitants reverted to a more primitive, tribal state prior to rediscovery.
Around when was the planet lost to the greater Imperium? I'm assuming around the time of the Heresy, which would make sense, though keep in mind the eastern fringe is home to the Ultramarines and their systems spanning empire. Where is this world located in relation to that? (The eastern section of the Imperium is perhaps the largest segmentum of man so there is a lot of ground to cover.)

When was the world rediscovered? When was The New Dawn chapter founded?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
Chapter strength: nominal
So I'm guessing they number roughly full chapter strength then? Ratings like nominal or critical are not singular values, but instead encompass a range (critical, for example, is a chapter that numbers less than 300 while nominal might be a chapter numbering over 800.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
Organization: Divergent Chapter - The New Dawn chapter does not send their neophytes into a scout company as many codex chapters normally would. Instead newly inducted marines begin within the chapters 10th company, known as the Death Core. The Death Core is an assault company, where marines learn to harness their rage before moving onto the chapters Devestator company. From their they learn to reign in their rage, honing patience and precision over reckless abandon.

Finally they move onto service within one of the chapters battle companies, and one day possibly proving their worth to join the chapters elite scout company.
This honestly reads like you want to take an element that makes the Space Wolves unique and have it in your own chapter. The problem is that the Space Wolves are a highly divergent chapter, whose induction practices see initiates not truly training to become space marines until they have already been turned into them. They can do that both because of their recruitment style and the resources they have access to as a founding chapter.

Codex adhering and divergent chapters generally train aspirants/initiates as they are going through the process of becoming space marines, which is why they go to the scout company first. Theres nothing stopping you from having them replace the scout company with an assault company, but everything else thus far contradicts this portion.

If their combat doctrine is aggressive and close combat oriented then why do they suddenly have much care for heavy weapons, recon teams, and sabotage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eshara View Post
Notable engagements: rescue the Adeptus Sororitas from the shrine world of Elhenor
Was it a notable order of battle sisters? Why did the sisters need rescuing? Were they guarding an inquisitor or ecclesiarch or other individual on a mission of some kind and been cut off? And against who?

The thing about notable engagements is that they do not have to be from games you've played. And just because you did not win a physical game does not mean that, if you want to use it, your marines ultimately lost. Perhaps their position in that battle was overrun or they were unable to secure an objective (ultimately denying it to the enemy before making a withdrawal from the area.)

Perhaps they attempted to route an enemy position, succeeded in assassinating a powerful commander/advisor and falling back before becoming overwhelmed.


Overall, you seem to be combining the "cool" elements from several different chapters in order to have one "awesome" chapter. I'm seeing the aggressive nature of the Blood Angels, the noble humanity of the Salamanders, and the unique organization of the Space Wolves. There are ways to blend these elements, but right now they do not mesh that well the way you've written them.

Things to consider focusing on, to further flesh out The New Dawn:
-Founding: when were they founded and why were they founded? Has Istraughtium IV always been their homeworld or were they previously a fleet based chapter and were the ones to rediscover Istraughtium IV in a manner similar to when they Flesh Tearers discovered their homeworld of Cretacia?

-Organization: As a divergent chapter The New Dawn don't strictly follow the codex astartes. This is easy for you to represent with an additional company, an assault company replacing the scout company, each company being responsible for its own recruitment and training of new marines, and a relative lack of heavier weapons/vehicles.

-Beliefs: You mention early on that The New Dawn see the Red Thirst as a gift, but how? Right now its a brief throwaway line that doesn't appear to come up in their organization or training.

-Colour scheme: Goes without saying, and I'd recommend the space marine painter from bolter and chainsword, pretty easy to work with overall.

-Relations with others: Do they have a checkered past with anyone? Come to blows with another chapter/Imperial organization?

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