A welcome surprise on the fiction board, welcome Harlequin R
. Dave gives good advice, as usual, and you'll get the hang of it with more practice (shorter sentences was something I had to learn too
). As for the story itself, so far I am liking the world that this is set upon. The nobility in your story so far sound the part and I find myself interested to see this area of the story further fleshed out. I'm certain it will be, in time. Never expected Brynden to be an inquisitor, but who ever expects the Inquisition?
Your action scenes are descriptive and I could follow along without too many pauses. I also like the inclusion of a blank, which I don't see mentioned too often (I'm guilty of not mentioning them in my own stuff). It was short and sweet, and to the point (So, you'd be my opposite at the moment
A phrase or initial or two, I could not figure out (2IC)?
Over all, I really like your first entry here on Heresy. Hope to see more!