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post #4 of (permalink) Old 11-21-08, 06:19 AM
Daneel2.0
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Well, from my reading you made 2 rules errors during the game which are echoed in the story. The first is that a Rosarius has no effect against C'Tan - their weapons ignore ALL saves (including invulnerable ones). The mistake here probably means that you allowed the terminators invulnerable saves as well. The second is when the Dreadnought charged the Deceiver, he should have used his misdirection power to leave combat, then recharge in this next assault phase. Never take your opponents charge.

As to the writing, its good but don't focus so much on rules. No space marine understands that he has only a single wound. He knows arms, legs, chest, head, etc. And when you write, unless you are doing technical writing, pick a point of view. That POV may change from side to side, but generally just pick 1. It also helps pull readers into the story when they get input from more than one sense. What did the gauss beam look like? Did the soldier hit scream or was he killed too quickly? Did it ionize the air with its passage leaving a smell of ozone, or did it destroy even the air along the route creating a vacuum that pulled clouds of smoke and air in it's wake? Remember, 40K is about as bleak as you can get, so your writing should reflect that.

EDIT: I tried to PM this to you as an example of what I mean, but you have your PMs disabled, so I just added it here. This is a sample of some of the techniques you can use to describe the battle between your Chapter Master and the Deceiver.

While the marines advanced on the aged metal bodies of the Necron horde, the Chapter Master's eyes were locked on a vision from the bottom of his darkest nightmare. The 9' tall, glowing golden body floated effortlessly across the broken field laughing at natures attempts to quell it, laughing at the screams of death from all side. This abomination must not stand he thought as he yelled out the Emperor's name in defiance. Charging, only vaguely aware of his guard following through the chaos, he struck with all the might he could muster. . . And accomplished nothing. Time stopped as those hellish eyes turned in his direction, mocking his attempt. A blade the being didn't possess moments before slowly fell hit and drove him to his knees. But despite the power of that strike, his protective force field held - proof that the Emperor hadn't abandoned him in this dire time. Defiant, he stood and looked up at the same smiling face, gloating now, looked down. As always in his moment of need, the Old One came to his protection. It's fists, fully capable of grinding tanks to dust, hit the figure in the back. Eyes wide with shock for the first time, cracks began appearing in that massive golden frame, cracks through which the fires of hell leaked. The rupture, when it occurred, came as a surprise. A fist of concussion drove him back to his knees followed by a blinding orange light and the too sweet smell of blood. Then blackness.

Again, this is just a sample of the kinds of techniques in writing that you can use to help you get your points across. Your reader may not know how the dice fell during each round, but that isn't your goal in story telling. Your reader DOES know the important details. The Deceiver fought with the Chapter Master and both ended up dead. Once their deaths occur you can deal with what the rest of the army saw, felt and think afterward. During this you can tally the horrible cost that the Deceiver took when he exploded.



Hope this helps.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jesse View Post
[Necrons]shoot, shoot, teleport, shoot. win

Last edited by Daneel2.0; 11-21-08 at 06:25 AM.
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