Hmm, honestly I can't find much to critique. My only suggestion concerns your sentences, which are sometimes very long. Overly long sentences can sometimes cause readers to stop reading, because they get bored or struggle to break your sentences into smaller, more manageable bits of information. This is especially true as you approach action scenes.
I would experiment with using shorter sentences, and see how you like it. I too struggle with long sentences sometimes. It's not that big of a deal, but I think being aware of it could go a long way in improving the flow of your work
That being said, shorter sentences aren't the end all be all. You have to know when to use both, I guess. I hope that helps. If you post up more stories, I may be able to come up with additional comments.
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