Very cool! A fun entry into atmo.
I don't have any constructive feedback, other than I really like your dialog construction.
After reading a couple times, I wanted something solid to give you. I've said it before - I think you're dialog is a strength of yours. I know you're stretched for time, but here's a blog I follow, it's a gaming/writing blog (a wee left of my political view, but they have good, good stuff) and I am always looking for more foundation instruction. Perhaps you are too. This piece of yours today made me think of this article on dialog, and how well you follow good dialog rules.
This link goes to a three part article on aspects of dialog. The second helped me the most.