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post #3 of (permalink) Old 10-04-14, 11:26 PM
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Myen'Tal's Avatar
Myen'Tal's Flag is: USA
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 626
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Love the beginning, Beavis, didn't expect a storming by some old characters . Over all, I liked what I read, though I do have some suggestions for you.

1. Imperial Fists mainly recruit from Terra, or so I think. If that ever gets brought up, Carrus' sons should be have been sent to Terra for recruitment.

2. Space Marines usually cut all family ties the day they are recruited, I see you've already written a good deal with Nathan being involved, so I guess I'm just pointing that out .

3. I haven't brought this up till now, because English may not be your first language. You have a tendency to create long run-on sentences. I think you've been improving, but if you ever want any help, you can always pm me . Not trying to tell you how to write or anything, just trying to help.

Looking forward to more!

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company

Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)

The New Word (Completed)
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