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post #5 of (permalink) Old 03-03-12, 04:55 AM
Boondock Shogun
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Good start here bud. I see you took the suggestions that were made in your other story thread and went with them. There is an improvement here in the style of your writing. There are only a couple things I would recommend. First, spelling out the numbers instead of putting their numerical value (ex: six instead of 6). Yes, a minor niggle, indeed but it looks much better with them spelled out. It's one thing if you're talking about Imperial Vox #132a-B, where numbers would make sense, but given that it's a game of cards, I think it makes the story 'look' better. The second is your dialogue. Don't be afraid to seperate it from the lines around it. It helps to emphasize the words being spoken, adding extra bearing to them.


Eventually, the loser of the last game became dealer. I looked at the two cards dealt to me. 8 and a 7. After tossing in a throne to ante up, I thought for a moment. “Hit me.” The dealer nodded.

Instead, try:

Eventually, the loser of the last game became dealer. I looked at the two cards dealt to me, an eight and a seven. After tossing in a throne to up the ante, I thought for a moment.

"Hit me."

The dealer nodded....

Now you shouldn't always do that. Sometimes dialogue works well when placed in a paragraph, especially when what follows is directly linked to it or the dialogue leads to something important.

Still, good start to your story bud. Keep up the good works!

Good luck and good gaming,


"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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