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post #9 of (permalink) Old 08-31-11, 08:14 AM
gothik
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I walk the line

A tale of doubt



Word Count: 951 (excluding title)


They say that faith is what makes a man strong, that it is the spark of hope for something better that keeps him high above everything else in the food chain and the life forms that plague the universe.

I believed that once and yet now I find myself doubting it even exists.

We are taught that the Emperor is a god, that he is a being set so high above us all that all we can do is worship him as the Supreme Being amongst many. That I as a Chaplain must minister to the needs of my brothers and keep their faith firm in the sight and theatres of so many obstacles.

Yet recently I have cause to doubt my own words. When I deliver them they are empty and devoid of everything I know and what, I hear you ask, brought me to this revelation that would shake my core and my being?

It was not so much an explanation on theology but more a question of what I believed. Do I believe that the Emperor is merely a powerful being who exhibits god like powers or truly a deity that despite his denials was, in reality just that.

Do I follow the history of my Legion as is written or, do I believe that there is something more then what history tells us?

When the time of the Heresy befell all did he expect it for as a god surely he would have done and could have acted to prevent the disintegration of our golden age? Or did he harbour jealousy towards his sons who were very quickly coming to power and out shining him in many mortals’ eyes?

My own father included.

I look around at my brothers, their heads bowed in prayer reciting the litanies that would take us into glorious battle in the name of our father and he who sits on the throne.

They will expect me to offer words of fervour to them but although I can deliver the words I do not know if I still mean them in my heart. Was Luther right all along and was the Lion wrong?

Did the Lion truly have the touch of Chaos in his heart and did Luther merely do what he had to do to defend Caliban from what he saw as a traitorous son?

Before I would have laughed off such accusations as the ratings of a madman and a man looking for anyway to justify his crimes against the Emperor and our father.

A Fallen Angel who took months to finally repent his sins.

But whose last dying words hang in my brain plaguing me for I know on some level they are truth.

I was alone with him.

I saw his wounds and the marks of his repentance, blood caked his lips and his nose as he spoke. I had to give him respect for lasting as long has he did against one such as me.

When he spoke it was with dignity and I listened, it was the least I could do to hear such a noble confession.

“Brother, will you let me say something final to you before I am sent to the Emperors judgement and that of the Lion?” He had asked.

“Your soul has already been forgiven brother” I held his head my blade ready to administer the Emperors peace, his forgiveness already given.

“Let me ask you this brother” He half closed his eyes and I had to learn over to hear him.

His body stank of charred flesh and blood, urine and excrement but it was a stench I had long since learnt to ignore.

“All I ask is that you think on this…. if we were so wrong why is it that the Dark Angels would attack any to prevent their secret shame, even if it means firing upon another brother chapter”

Now his words come back to haunt me as we are ready to hunt yet another. Fallen. Almost thirty years have passed and I have made it into the inner circle and his words come back to haunt me.

If we are such a proud and loyal chapter why then do we hide the fact that Luther is alive deep within the rock alongside Astelan? Why is it that we do not tell even our own brothers these facts?

Could it be that our fathers’ inherent paranoia has made us suspicious of ourselves? And why did the Gulf, a vessel of the Templars vanish after handing over Cypher to our brothers?

I begin to wonder who the real enemy is and doubt plagues my mind. I walk the line to discover if the Lion was right or – if Luther was right all along and if he was…would that have made Horus and Lorgar right and we who call ourselves loyalists are the ones who were in fact the traitors?

As I sweep my skulled visage over my brothers I also begin to doubt that we are the purest legion. When our masters hide so much from our own, resort to acts no other chapter resorts to just to keep our secrets.

Will life ever be the same for me and can I serve him on the throne and my father in the same light again? When the chant for the Lion roars will I be singing with glory in my heart and love for my gene-sire, or will I be dreading those words knowing what I now know?

I understand that every chapter has its secrets but ours, ours mark us out as close to the line, close to damnation. As we land and I lead my brothers in another battle for the Emperor, doubt takes hold of my heart and I am aware that I will never be the same again.

Last edited by gothik; 09-06-11 at 03:12 PM.
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