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post #3 of (permalink) Old 08-26-11, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Todeswind View Post
This is a very abrupt and jumbled paragraph. There is a lot of action but not a lot of chance for the reader to catch up with it. Honestly the vast majority of your paragraphs suffer from this. You're trying too hard to compress a lot of action into a very small space.
Surely this is a subjective opinion? As per your sujestion I went back and reread the story, but for me the paragrph you quote flowed rather than jumbled.

That being said this is not a bad story. It's actually quite a good one, but your writing needs a bit of polish. I would suggest reading your story out loud to yourself and seeing where you pause for breath. The natural cadence of a paragraph should comfortably fall so that a break between paragraphs and where you would naturally pause are roughly the same.
Thanks for the feed back, I'll keep it in mind for the next story I write.
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